There's two. The first one is not mine. I do not know whose it is.
Ring the bells that still may ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in
This one is mine:
I
I tried
I grew on the inside
Maybe you can't see it
Maybe you can
I was there
There for the new experiences
I was there for the successes
I was there for the failures
Old relationships fell away
New ones formed
No strings
Solid
Slow
I was awake for my life
It happens anyway
Awake, asleep, life
Awake, my growth is my dream
My life, my dream
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
This year
This has been quite a year. Yeah, I know. Most people don't measure their year from February to February, but I do. It is my sobriety anniversary. It is useful to me to take stock at this time. And it feels right.
I thought I did a lot of standing still this year. But as I take stock this is SO not the case. I've done a lot a work this year. It's been quite a year. What I thought I was going to be doing was a lot of external work, external changes. But no, this was not to be. I did A LOT of internal work, *deep work* as they say. It was difficult. Indeed it was. But it was clearly what I needed to be doing. I did not post about all of it but I did post some. This was the year for working with my codependence and really being able to work with it. It's not like I didn't know it needed done before, but I could never actually do the work and not get bogged down in it or by it. Actual learning has taken place. I know this because teaching is what I do so I know learning when I see it. Behaviour changed. So, learning has taken place. I can see the changes in my own behaviour and I see the changes in the behaviour I get from others. And my expectations and what is okay has changed. If one is not a child. I can also verbalise what it is that is okay and what it is that is not okay and why. These are all good things to have been working on.
I also have been spending the past year creating a new A.A. community. The old one was broken and I tried to fix it and it wouldn't fix so while I still go to the old meetings I have a new community and it is healthier than the old one. I have not severed ties with the old one. I still frequent the most problematic meeting as my first sponsor is there and I go to another meeting with all the old problem people in it because there are many people there who are not problematic and whom I love. But should their problematic behaviour spread to effect the groups I have a supportive community which is not part of the problem. This has been good for me although it was hard and lonely. I also have had two sponsors in the past year. This after having the same sponsor for 15-16 years. This too was difficult but it has been most helpful.
I got a therapist this year. I'm on my second one now because the first one left. Nothing personal he just left. This is something I needed to do for a long time. But I was sure that if I sought professional help I would end up on a locked ward somewhere. I'm still free.
So, while this year has been tough it has also not been what I thought it would be and it has been a bountiful year in the self-growth arena.
I thought I did a lot of standing still this year. But as I take stock this is SO not the case. I've done a lot a work this year. It's been quite a year. What I thought I was going to be doing was a lot of external work, external changes. But no, this was not to be. I did A LOT of internal work, *deep work* as they say. It was difficult. Indeed it was. But it was clearly what I needed to be doing. I did not post about all of it but I did post some. This was the year for working with my codependence and really being able to work with it. It's not like I didn't know it needed done before, but I could never actually do the work and not get bogged down in it or by it. Actual learning has taken place. I know this because teaching is what I do so I know learning when I see it. Behaviour changed. So, learning has taken place. I can see the changes in my own behaviour and I see the changes in the behaviour I get from others. And my expectations and what is okay has changed. If one is not a child. I can also verbalise what it is that is okay and what it is that is not okay and why. These are all good things to have been working on.
I also have been spending the past year creating a new A.A. community. The old one was broken and I tried to fix it and it wouldn't fix so while I still go to the old meetings I have a new community and it is healthier than the old one. I have not severed ties with the old one. I still frequent the most problematic meeting as my first sponsor is there and I go to another meeting with all the old problem people in it because there are many people there who are not problematic and whom I love. But should their problematic behaviour spread to effect the groups I have a supportive community which is not part of the problem. This has been good for me although it was hard and lonely. I also have had two sponsors in the past year. This after having the same sponsor for 15-16 years. This too was difficult but it has been most helpful.
I got a therapist this year. I'm on my second one now because the first one left. Nothing personal he just left. This is something I needed to do for a long time. But I was sure that if I sought professional help I would end up on a locked ward somewhere. I'm still free.
So, while this year has been tough it has also not been what I thought it would be and it has been a bountiful year in the self-growth arena.
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